Not a Star
i. first quarter
Māmā, can I fold myself into the night-bloom
Of your shadow again? Your outline softens
In my memory, held by the midnight traffic
Beneath us, taillights swimming like fish. You read
Goodnight Moon in soft Chinese. I still hear your voice
Rippling outward, lapping the edges of the pool.
In the just-dark, the world is just quiet enough
For the pool to hold our echo–chlorine, star-
Light, the shimmer of Lǎoyé’s beer.
On these nights, we are careful not to laugh
Too loud. We are careful to cup the stars
In our palms whenever Lǎoyé screams.
ii. full moon
October slips into the air like an unanswered question.
The palms bow toward promises: better
Pay, longer shifts. I’m nine, cross-legged, watching
My face reflected in the motionless TV, stale Cheerios
Sugaring my lips. I still smell QFC dish soap each time
You stroke my hair, but your nails–they remind me
You were once this girl, too. A daughter.
A sister. You say, it’s important to learn how to become
Beautiful. Your hand holds mine still, polish
Gliding onto my own fingers.
iii. last quarter
We drive. Wheatfields blur into gold static.
You don’t speak, so I don’t ask. The night tastes
Like graphite. The radio is listless, like a child. The road
Hums. I want to ask, but instead, I repeat the night’s
Rotting promises, the breathy don’t worry, the answer
You’d offer: It doesn’t matter. This is the life
I have. Our little life. I count the pieces left of you. You count
The years you’ve stayed. Every few miles, a rabbit
Darts across the road, white in the headlights like a star.
I think of the girl I was, once. The girls we were–believing
You were built of infinite light. But I worry, like all moons
You’ll soften your edges until you’ve vanished completely.
As the moon begins anew, we pull over. I play
Your favorite song: Yuan Lai de Wo, the people we were
Floating between us.
About the Author
Juliana Pan is a poet & visual artist from Washington. She received the Foyle Young Poets Award from the Poetry Society of the United Kingdom and a Silver Medal for Poetry from the National Scholastic Art & Writing Awards. Her recent work appeared in Gigantic Sequins, Roanoke Review, & the minnesota review.
